Sometimes I wonder if this black tar pit of death will ever relinquish my soul. For extreme joy and extreme sorrow within the same shell causes nothing but fatigue. Yet, I wonder: what I shall become if it is defeated. Depression has accompanied me since birth, since before the joy of Jesus set in; who would I be without it? There are times I think true freedom would be more open than the cosmos! And in those brief fleeting thoughts and emotions where I think the Joy will prevail, the tar warms and ensnares part of my heart- ensnaring it with lead hooks and the pit drags me back down again.
I thought that wound was healed. Apparently it was just scabbed over- yay for people picking them off and watching them ooze. Not.
I shall end up a dog lady on a self-sustained farm, alone.
I’ll always be the black sheep it the ugly duckling. I just have to learn to accept that.
Maybe one day I will… Maybe one day… Until then, my heart has a gapping wound, please refrain from pouring in any acid or salt, thank you.
Uphill joy ride.
I can honestly say this is the most taxed and stretched I have ever been in my life. I feel like I’m riding up a 20 mile hill at a 45 degree incline while carrying a screaming hungry baby hippo on my back.
Yes, there have been many times where things were emotionally more difficult, yet I know that I have never grown in my faith as much as I have over this past semester. I have had my limits tested in every area of my life to the point of mental breakdowns, 3am conversations with God where I pour out my heart and reveal my tattered, shattered soul. Allowing myself to become as vulnerable as physically and Spiritually possible. Questioning reason, asking for wisdom, begging for answers and seeking comfort.
I’m such a linear person, I like timelines and logistics- details and dates. I’m a planner, an organizer and over these past two years everything possible that could go wrong has. I lost some of my biggest support systems, my health went down the toilet, my family’s health went down the toilet, I have battled demons that I thought were laid to rest and realized the events of my childhood still loom over me. I have lost my closest of friends and the person, I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. I have had my faith tested, tried, put on a spit and rotated over a fire. At times I feared I wouldn’t make it, so I cling all the more desperately.
Today, here I stand. Victorious in my failures, beautiful in my rags- wearing my scars as badges of honor knowing that the Lover of my soul has a plan. No matter what occurs along this upward bike ride, and no matter what way the storms blow, I am at peace. I am joyful. My eyes beam with the Love of the Father. I am cherished. I am beyond thankful for these experiences.